Dear World

Build Me a Son

2011-07-24T20:31:00.002-05:00

A Father Prayer by General Douglas MacArthur (May 1952)

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee ?and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

Lead him I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength.

Then, I, his father, will dare to whisper, have not lived in vain.

God and Santa Claus

2010-12-21T22:35:00.010-06:00

I had a friend post something on his blog. A little treatise on C.S. Lewis, and a Wall Street Journal story covering the Narnia series being dismissed as "Childrens' Books".

It got me thinking. Well, it continued me thinking on something I've been thinking about for quite some time, and started thinking more about as I watched "A Christmas Carol" last night. It came back to me when I read this:

“You are already too old for fairy tales, but some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”

It was apparently in the dedication of one of Lewis' books, to a young lady named Lucy, who was 15 at the time.

It dovetails into another of my favorite quotes -- which was brought to mind as I watched the Ghost of Christmas Present show Scrooge what was going on all across the world at Christmas Time. What happened when he sprinkled Christmas Spirit on people as he came across them, wherever they were. And how that translates into real life. I have seen it, and I have felt it. And it is a Good Thing.

Which dovetails with things such as believing in Santa Claus. And why I want my grandson to believe in Santa Claus, if only for a few years. It is good to have believed in magic at one point in your life, if only to go back to for comfort and for strength later on.

The quote is from Hub in "Second Hand Lions".

Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.

And that is an answer I've struggled with over the years, I will admit out loud, right here. Is Santa Claus worth believing in? Oh, yes, he is. Is God worth believing in? Yes. Yes indeed. And for lots of reasons.

The biggest of which is, "you ain't the center of the Universe". Yup, there's something bigger and better than you out there. Something you can't be no matter how hard you try, but something that trying to live up to will make you a better person. Something that, if at worst it isn't true at all, is the accumulation of thousands of years of human experience, how to produce as healthy societies as you can, and that Jim Bob has no right to tell you how to live your life because he's bigger, and that Aristotle can't tell you how to live your life because he's smarter. From which springs the idea that all men are created equal -- not by other men, but by something bigger -- and are endowed by that something bigger with basic rights to their lives, liberty to live them to the extent that they begin to bump into other people's liberty, and to their property. Because mere men aren't the top of the morality chain.

And therefore other men have no right to take what was given by that something bigger away from you. Not for your own good. Or for anyone else's.

That something bigger is important, whether you can put your finger on it or not. Because without it, law will eventually become what the strongest say it is. And though might, in a world with a creator, doesn't make right, if right doesn't have might, evil men will forcibly banish right from the world and replace it with their own selfish versions. First it will be the egotists who think they know what's best for all and therefore have the right to enforce their vision. This will be followed by egotists who will use that power merely to persue their own interests with impunity and with rampant disregard for anyone elses.

We must be able to recognize evil. We must be able to recognize dragons. And we must know what to do about them.

A shared framework, a shared reference is handy. This is where culture comes in. And one of the things I know is that "multi-culturalism" amounts in the end "no-culturalism". A fractious society is a weak society, and this one is becoming more and more fractious every day.

And shared religion, even if it's only for the references, is cultural glue.

Not everyone may really believe. Many really do. At one time, perhaps most. But at one point, just having one dominant religion in the culture meant that whether or not you did, you ran into the symbols and the rituals and the holidays all the time. At one point, people said "Merry Christmas" to each other without pardoning the expression. There were shared experiences that held us together. No, not everyone had the same ones, but most of us did, and it rubbed off on a good chunk of those who didn't.

I'm not sure where this goes, really. But I do know one thing.

I think I'm old enough to start reading fairy tales again.

Stress

2010-10-20T22:05:00.000-05:00

Found this from my friend Mike on Facebook today. First his quote, then my comment on it.

Heard this tonight at my Stress Management Class: "Stress is being in conflict with what is..." (Eckhart Tolle) I like that....

It's true.

Sometimes stress is worth it, if you can change what is to something more in harmony with your disposition. Trick is knowing when you can, when you can't, or when you can, but it's not really worth the effort it would take. Actually, that last one is about the hardest to deal with.

How to Keep People from Thinking You're an Ass

2006-02-11T16:59:00.000-06:00

If you want to keep people from thinking you're an ass, it's a heck of a lot easier to just not be one than it is to constantly hide from them the fact that you are.

But the choice is ultimately yours.

-- Phil Leith

Things to Believe in from "Second Hand Lions"

2005-12-13T15:56:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.

- Hub, from "Second Hand Lions"

Don't Spread Mean Things

2005-12-09T15:22:00.000-06:00

When I was a child, my mother lectured me on the evils of "gossip." She held a feather pillow and said, "If I tear this open, the feathers will fly to the four winds, and I could never get them back in the pillow. That's how it is when you spread mean things about people."

-- John Seigenthaler ('s mother)

You're Cool

2005-03-16T18:43:00.000-06:00

People have a need to feel that they are special. I'm not sure excactly where this comes from -- especially since we're all different anyway -- but I have a road I want to go down with this that makes some sense.

It might be a survival issue. If we feel special, we feel indispensible. We feel needed. This provides us with a sense of security in the social fabric.

Some people pursue "specialness" by following popular trends. There's social security in being "in with the 'in' crowd". These people make sure they wear the right clothes, listen to the right music, watch the right TV shows, eat the right foods, buy the right products at the right stores, maybe drive the right car.... you get the picture.

Then there are people who view those people with disdain, and they persue their specialness by being NOT in with the 'in' crowd ... by wearing the WRONG clothes, listening to the WRONG music, liking the WRONG TV shows, and NOT eating the right foods, buying the WRONG products, and not at the RIGHT stores

But wait... there's a little more to it than that. There are all these little sects of the second type of person. And each one of them has the RIGHT wrong clothes, and the RIGHT wrong music, and the RIGHT wrong TV shows, the RIGHT wrong foods, the RIGHT wrong products at the RIGHT wrong stores.... which... sounds a lot like our first group, doesn't it? As a matter of fact, the only real difference is what each group thinks is the right stuff and what they think is the wrong stuff.

They think that everyone else should be like them -- only they secretly don't ever want that to happen, because they would lose their percieved "I'm better than you" status. In fact, as soon as the "mainstream" embraces one of their tenets, they abandon it as being passé. So much for principle.

Further, even within those groups -- the hyper-culture groups the counter-culture groups call "mainstream" are really a collection of smaller hyper-culture groups, each of which feels somehow more special than the others. The same is true of the counter-culture groups. In the end, all of them are just different flavors of hyper-culture.

It brings to mind Groucho Marx's

"I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member."

The fact of the matter is you're perfectly ok not being a part of any of those groups. You don't have to be a preppie or a goth or a punk or a greek or a jock or a vegan or a hippie to be cool.

Once you actually get this, you'll want to throw off the schackles of all this pretense you've piled on yourself. And the cool thing is, you don't have to go anywhere else to "find" the person you are. It's inside of you. It's been there all along.

To be cool, you just have to be you. And you have to like yourself (if you don't, you're not being you!) And being you doesn't mean identifying with any group. You are the ultimate exclusive group, a group of one!

Find the you underneath all that other stuff and be free.

Forgiveness

2004-12-21T07:50:00.000-06:00

Somebody done you wrong.

Black list 'em for the rest of your life, right?

Tempting, I know. But what is this forgiveness thing all about, and how does it benefit me?

It makes you a better person in two ways. In the superficial sense, people will look up to you for it. Good people are forgiving. Therefore, people reason, if you are forgiving then you are a good person.

There is a famous Bible verse that points us in the right direction:

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I
am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and
understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to
remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my
possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have
love, I gain nothing.

Ok, so what does that have to do with forgiveness? Well, not much, directly, but it is a paralell example. If I utter the words of forgiveness, but do not mean them, I have missed most of the good in it. If I am successful in hiding the fact that I don't mean it, perhaps I made the other person feel better -- and that is good, but I am not the person it may lead them to think I am. I may fool them, but I cannot fool myself.

This gets back to the original core of "How to Live a Good Life" -- and that is #1, to be someone you would like.

Why is forgiveness -- real forgiveness, so important?

Because to be able to do it and mean it, you have to recognize that you yourself are not perfect. That you, perhaps despite good intentions to the contrary, have hurt other people. In forgiving others, you forgive that in yourself. It is an act of humility, an act of acceptance that you have weaknesses. You stumble.

The truly strong recongize their weaknesses, and those who recognize their weaknesses can work against them, fortifying their lives with barriers around those weaknesses so that they are not so easily fallen into.

It is not that the strong have no weaknesses, it is that they know what they are and how to avoid them. Even the best of the strong will fail at this occasionally, but if we're not trying not to fail, we will surely fail much more often.

So it's not just new-agey schlock that says that forgiveness is healing, and it heals the self. It really does. It's step #1.

Love is...

2004-12-20T16:45:00.000-06:00

Love.

It gets talked about a lot. In all kinds of contexts, with variations on the meaning from lust to mere fondness. And it's no wonder -- lust is a very base form of intense, limited fondness. And fondness is the foundation of Love.

Love doesn't have a good definition, hence the confusion about it. There are all kinds of nuances and edges and corners and it looks different when you look at it from different perspectives.

So how do you know you actually, really love someone? Or if they love you?

Have you ever felt obligated to do something for someone? Has anyone ever done something for you because they felt obligated to do it?

Well, that's not it.

When you find yourself wanting to do things for someone to help improve their lives or bring them a moment's happiness, and getting something from them in return doesn't even factor into the equation -- that's it. When you want someone to be happy because it makes you happy to see them happy -- that's it. That's the stuff. That's what you're looking for.

If you're trying to manipulate someone into behaving in a way that benifits you -- be it by them showing you affection or doing things to make you happy, or even just to get their approval -- that ain't it. Same in reverse.

The love is in the wanting - if their happiness is what you want in return for your efforts... That's IT!

True love is a hard thing to find when you're looking for it. Many of us move right on by true love without even recognizing it.

Love doesn't obligate you to behave in a certain way toward another. The love is in the wanting to behave that way on your own.

You Get What You Focus On

2004-07-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

I know it sounds like one of those motivational speakers "focus on the goal" (usually financial) "visualize success". Well, poppycock.... sort of.

There is some basis in truth for that gibberish, and here it is.

If you have a positive outlook, you try to make things happen. (You don't always succeed, but sometimes you do) You take control of the things in your life you have some control over. You steer. As one of my favorite unknown modern-day philosophers Paul Lutus says,

"You can't steer a boat that's not moving... sort of like a life."

You look for opportunites. You go through hardships as a means to get somewhere else.

When you have a negative outlook, you're focused on gloom and doom (and maybe hate, because you're so frustrated) and ... that's what you get out of life. You do not take control of anything in your life. Your life is out of control. Nothing is up to you. All your problems are someone else's fault (that's where the anger and hate comes in). There's nothing you can do but wait for fortune to accidentally come your way at best, or at worst -- feel sorry for yourself and lash out at "them" so "they" know your pain. Which gets you nowhere. Sometimes less than nowhere.

Spittin' in the wind, you know?

Generosity

2004-07-07T11:19:00.000-05:00

We've talked a little about generosity. Generosity is basically giving where you don't have to, and not expecting anything in return.

In today's "what's in it for me?" mindset, it's too often an alien concept when applied to the self. Of course, we love it when other people are generous to us -- except that it often makes us suspicious ... "what do they want from me?"

Why would we think that? We tend to project our thought processes onto others. By default, we think everyone else thinks just like us. So if we wouldn't do something without expecting something in return, we don't think anyone else, would, either. This is sad.

Now I've heard the argument that nobody is altruistic. In the strictest sense of the concept, this is true. So once again we're back to "what's in it for me?" or "Why should I be generous?".

Remember "Spittin' in the wind?" Well, the opposite is true, too.

The smile you send out comes back to you 1,000 times.

Not necessarily from the people upon whom you have smiled, mind you, although often that is true, too. Think of it as antivenom. You produce antivenom to counter the toxic hate and gloom others produce. You're just "putting it out there", and it IS appreciated, trust me. Ripples in a pond.

Even if the person you gave to doesn't appreciate you, you've made their life a little better than it would have been. And maybe they won't be quite so short with some people in their lives today. Which makes those people's lives a little better. And eventually, some of that will get back around to you.

You reap from your surroundings, so make your surroundings as nice as you can make them, and your harvest will be better.

Honor

2004-05-18T09:54:00.000-05:00

What is Honor? Honor is basically trustworthiness. It means you're true to your word. You honor your contracts. It also means you're true to the unwritten contract you should have with others... that whole "Golden Rule" thing. That's kind of "your word" as well. People trust you (or should be able to trust you) to treat them with a certain amount of respect.

Trust! Why should you trust people? You can't trust people, right? Not true. You really can't get through life without trusting people. You do it every day. Best example: every time you get out on the road, you trust that the people in the other lane won't swerve into your lane. You trust that people will stop at stop signs and red lights. Sometimes we actually put a little too much trust in this, but it's true -- do you ALWAYS look way down the road in each direction before you step on the gas? Admit it. Much of the time you just push the pedal when the light turns green unless you happen to catch a sign of danger out of the corner of your eye.

You put your money in the bank, fully expecting to get it back when you want it. You go to work for a week or two or a month trusting that you will get paid. Oh, sure, it's backed up by contracts and laws, but you also trust that the contracts and laws will be enforced if you don't get your money.

You trust people every day. You like the ones you can trust. You don't like the ones you can't. So you should be a person they can trust. Everything works better that way, and you are then a part of making a better world. Something as simple as showing up when you say you will makes the world a better place for those waiting on you, and it all eventually comes back to you.

Being untrustworthy, or not honorable is like spitting in the wind. In the words of an obscure band (Radiator) I once stumbled across...

It's like spittin' in the wind
It all comes back on you
It's like spittin' out the window
You're all right now, Jack,
But it all comes back
On you

By being honorable, you add to the reservoir of good will in the world. By not being honorable, you are a drain on the good will in the world.

If you're not a part of the solution.....

Keys to living a good life, Part 2

2004-05-14T08:49:00.000-05:00

Why be a person you would like?

Well, for one, you are the only person that will have to live with yourself 24 hours a day, 7 day's a week, 365 (or 366) days a year. For the rest of your life.

Another reason is that more people will like YOU better and thus treat you nicer making your life easier than it would otherwise be. There is of course no guarantee that any single person will not treat you badly, but it greatly increases the odds for people being nice to you.

So, what qualities in other people cause you to like them?

"They give me stuff" is an instinctive reaction, especially from those who have been somewhat spoiled. But there is something to that. It's called Generosity. We like generous people, especially when they're generous to us. We also admire their generosity to others, especially to those in need.

I'll add the other biggie here - it's actually more important than generosity.

Honorability. It's trustworthiness with a halo around it.

There are others. Humility. No, I don't mean go around wearing sack cloths and smudge up your face and beat your own back with a cat o' nine tails... it means acknowledging you're not now, nor will you ever be perfect.

From humility and generosity spring patience. You know you're not perfect. You know nobody else is, either. When someone else behaves in a manner that we disapprove of, especially if it directly affects us -- we need to understand that that person, even if they're trying to improve, will fail sometimes. There is a limit to patience. If the person isn't trying, your patience will understandably run out quickly.

Patience is closely tied to forgiveness. If you give a person a chance to improve and you can see they are trying and really don't want to cause you any harm, it's a good thing to let go of whatever pain they have caused you. Stop holding a grudge. Holding on to it will only eat in to your patience and humility and generosity. Which are things we're trying to nurture here, not rot off.

So here are the basic keys

Honor
Generosity
Humility
Patience
Forgiveness

There are other keys, probably, but most people will have their hands pretty full with these alone. If you can get a handle on these, you'll do fine, and much better than most people.

Keys to living a good life, Part 1

2004-05-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

The first, and most important thing is to be a person you would respect and love. It really takes the complexity out of the rest of your life. For years I struggled with my self-image. I couldn't understand why I felt so inferior to everyone else. I was a real Charlie Brown.

It had a lot to do with what I thought others thought of me. And I think it's pretty much the same with everyone who hasn't dealt with this and put it behind them. Our self-image, no matter what smoke and mirrors our minds put up to disguise the fact, are almost always based on how we think others perceive us.

It occurred to me, though, that if I met someone just like me, I'd like him and want him to be my friend. That turned out to be the big revelation that over time, turned my life around.

It sounds so simple. And like most basic truths, it is simple. The first key to happiness is to like yourself. And, like other basic truths, it's not QUITE that simple. You can't just say "I like me" and have it done with. You have to know what you're saying, and understand it, and mean it. If there's something in your behavior that you don't like..... guess what? You won't like yourself until you change it. The good news is, you have the power (and you're the only one with that power) to change it.

Too critical of others? Change it! Find yourself needing to feel superior to others? Get over it! Find yourself often rationalizing why it's ok for you to do unto others as you'd never have them do unto you? Cut it out!

We are all guilty of these things and others like them to some extent. Acknowledge that, and vow to try harder. And follow through. Nobody's perfect, but the person who can honestly say that they try to improve on their shortcomings is as near to perfect a person as I know.

Don't have any shortcomings? If you think that, that's the worst shortcoming of all. You know better. That one shortcoming is the one that will keep you from trying, and trying is the best you can do. You won't succeed all of the time. But if you try, you will succeed most of the time.

Maybe not at first, but success breeds success.

Be the change you want to see in the world. - Mahatma Ghandi